Adapted Not Broken

What if you're not broken?

In this episode, we explore a different way of understanding ourselves, our behaviours and the stories we carry about who we are.

A gentle invitation to become curious about what may be beneath the question:

"What's wrong with me?"

If today's conversation stayed with you, you'll find more reflections, resources and ways to continue the conversation at lisawestgate.com/exhale I'd love to see you there.

Music credit: Trolldans - Ström

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Welcome to Exhale. Last episode, we set the room, we spoke about curiosity, possibility, and becoming a little less certain. Today, I'd like to offer one possibility that has profoundly changed how I understand humans. What if you're not broken? Before we begin, let's breathe in and out. In today's conversation, we're going to talk about why so many people believe that they're broken, thinking about questions that we can often find ourselves asking, like, what's wrong with me? Why can't I just whatever, right? Do the thing? Why can't I just be different? Why can't I just? Why am I like this? Why do I keep doing that? Maybe even why does this keep happening to me? And I think it's really interesting to have this conversation in the context of what's going on beneath those questions. And what's going on beneath those questions a lot of the time is an assumption. And the assumption that a lot of us are walking around with and carrying and holding on to is something is wrong with me. Now there's all kinds of reasons that people adopt this assumption that they may have been straight up told it at some point in their lives, there's something wrong with you. Or maybe you've had experiences that led you to believe that, like that was the only reasonable conclusion that you could come to. So the conversation that I wanted to have today, and sort of the idea to introduce to you for your perusal consideration, um, ongoing thought, again, remembering you don't have to agree with everything. Not everything is going to resonate straight away. Some things might take some time to sit with, and that's okay. So as we as we go through today's conversation, I encourage you to while you're listening, notice what is going on for you. Where are the areas of pushback? What feels like truth to you? What signals do your does your body send you when it goes, ah yes, that's I think that's it? And what are the signals that you are getting when it's uncomfortable, when there is some nervous system pushback, when your body goes, uh, I don't know about that, right? And when it wants to challenge something, that's okay too. All right, so remember this is all about exploring and learning and expanding, and it there's really nothing to do with right or wrong. So the idea that I want to introduce to you is what I have found to be a way a way more useful lens to look through with regards to brokenness. So rather than you're broken, what if you've adapted? And we talked a little bit about this um earlier, but humans adapt for all kinds of reasons. We are designed really cleverly to adapt. We adapt around fear because of fear, we adapt for to avoid rejection, we adapt to avoid uncertainty, we adapt because of trauma, we adapt to create a sense of belonging. We adapt because of our family systems and our structures and our upbringing. We adapt because of workplaces. Uh, I'm I'm yet to find somebody that is the same version of themselves at work as they are at home. Uh, we we are designed for adaptation, right? We adapt for social expectations. You you behave in a certain way in different environments. That's that's normal. Adaptation is it's intelligent, it's it's genius, really. And sometimes that adaptation is survival, right? It's it's I always think of it like um, I don't know, this is gonna tell you how old I am, right? But those a stereo that's got all the sort of the dials and knobs on the front of it, right? And um, and you could dial things down like bass treble, like the equalizer things, and you know how how much of that frequency do you want and how much of the other. And I always think that our personality or or the way that we show up in the world is a little bit like that. And sometimes, some circumstances around some people at work, or you know, maybe your grandparents or something, you you dial down certain aspects of your personality or behaviours, right? You sort of turn them down a little bit, and maybe not so not so loud, not so sweary, perhaps. Um, and then there's other environments where those things would be turned right up, and other aspects of you would be turned down a little bit, and that adaptation, it's all you, all right. Remembering it's all you, it's all authentic, it's all you know, there's not you're not lying about who you are, you're just adapting to the circumstances, to the environment, to the people around you, etc. Right. So I want to sort of explore where this comes from and and also what it can look like. So, to give you an idea, um, oh more than ten years ago now, I left my career in the emergency services with a collection of diagnoses, including PTSD. And some of you already know this, and for some of you, this may be news. Uh, and my mantra at the time that I would repeat to others, and I would certainly repeat to myself, was that I was broken, that I'm broken. Um, and and I truly, truly believed that, and that was because I couldn't emotionally regulate, um, I was very explosive, I was very angry, um, I was very difficult to live with, I was not the best version of me as a parent or as a partner. Um, and because of a lack of sense of power and agency and control over my own expression of myself, I believed that I was broken. It certainly felt that way. And learning about adaptation in a similar way to which I'm, you know, speaking with you about it today allowed me to understand from a different perspective that I wasn't broken. I had just adapted to some very specific circumstances. I had adapted to being the best version of me required for emergency work, for shift work, for life and death situations, uh, for situations where my life was potentially threatened or my safety was threatened, etc. etc. And when I was removed from my circumstances, those adaptations were no longer useful. So, how else can this show up? You may know someone who has an adaptation of people pleasing, maybe they are really good at putting everybody else first, not super great at boundaries, and putting themselves last, and that could be viewed as you know, a weakness, or it can be viewed as an adaptation. How has it kept this person safe to make sure that everyone else around them is taken care of first? How has it served that person to ensure that everyone in their surroundings is okay, happy, comfortable, fed, etc. Um, there's got to be we we do these things because there's a payoff, right? There's a reason for it. Let's have a look at another one. What about perfectionism as an adaptation? Perfectionism. How is it serving someone to want everything to be perfect? Why have they made that adaptation? Hyperindependence. I'm giggling because several people come to mind. Hyperindependence. That is a really powerful adaptation. Overworking and adaptation, avoidance and adaptation, and I want you to just consider what have you possibly been judging as deficiencies, character flaws that maybe are adaptations. And the reason that this reframe or this different lens or this conversation is beneficial is because of how it feels when you look at these things through that different lens. And what do I mean by that? I mean I mean if you're broken, some of the feelings may be things like shame, maybe things like self-judgment, maybe things like if I'm broken, then I need fixing. And then a very long search for some people for just the right person, just the right program, just the right course, just the right relationship, just the right something to fix them. And for some people, you know, that can be a lifelong journey of searching for the fixing to the brokenness. And and it becomes an identity. And it certainly certainly did that to me for a good few years, right? So I I get it, I get it. It it becomes very all-encompassing and and defining for some, maybe not for you. Whereas if we can consider these traits or these behaviors as adaptations, you've adapted. Wow, okay. Well, in that case, if I've just adapted to what I needed to do at the time or the circumstances that were around me, then the whole emotional landscape changes, and we can view ourselves or others through a different lens. A lens of understanding, a lens of compassion, a lens of curiosity, and a lens of possibility. Because if you've adapted before, surely that means you can adapt again, yes. Understanding adaptation doesn't mean that every adaptation continues to serve us. What do I mean by that? I want you to imagine a medieval knight, you know, uh sort of a knights of the round table um situation, right? And you know, with the heavy metal armour and and the chain mail underneath and a helmet, and I want you to put that knight into battle, all right? Imagine him or her, probably him in medieval times, in in battle, all right? Swords, maces with spiky ball things on the end, um, you know, smash, crash, boom, bang. And in that environment, in those circumstances, that armour is exactly what that knight needs, yeah? It's perfect. It's the perfect adaptation because if you went out there in his, you know, fleshy meat bag, you wouldn't last very long on the battlefield. All right? So the adaptations in this case, wearing a full suit of armour and chainmail and all those things and a helmet is exactly what's required for survival. And now I want you to imagine that medieval knight goes back to his domicile, I don't know, hut, whatever it would have been, house, thatched roof, I don't know. Um, and he's exhausted after his battle, and he decides to lay down in bed and have a sleep. But he hasn't taken his armor off. You imagine trying to roll over in bed, trying to have a good sleep with a helmet, chainmail, metal chest plate, right? Every time you roll over, you make clinkity noises. Right, so that armor. I know it's silly. That armor is not suitable for the change in circumstances, right? It works perfectly well when he's out in battle, but it's really hard to sleep in. Some adaptations become limiting. Some become exhausting to carry around. Some keep us small. But before we can change them, it helps to understand them. So let's have a thing together and explore. What if behaviors could be labeled as flaws? What if they were adaptations? What if they made terrific sense at the time? What if understanding came before changing? I don't know your story. I don't know what you've lived through. But perhaps this week instead of asking, what's wrong with me? You might ask what have I adapted to? Or how have I adapted? And what might that change in perspective and that new understanding make possible? So until our next conversation keep exploring. Keep questioning. Keep breathing. And welcome to exhale.