The Cost Of Belonging

Belonging is one of our deepest human needs.

But what happens when the way we find belonging slowly takes us further away from ourselves?

In this episode, we explore the relationship between belonging, adaptation and authenticity, and gently consider what it might mean to reconnect without abandoning who we truly are.

If today's conversation stayed with you, you'll find more reflections, resources and ways to continue the conversation at lisawestgate.com/exhale I'd love to see you there.

Music credit: Trolldans - Ström

Transcript

Lisa 0:04

Welcome to Exhale. Last time we explored the idea that many of the things we've judged most harshly about ourselves may not be the signs that we're broken at all. But adaptations that helped us stay safe. Then we went a little deeper and asked a different question. If those adaptations are the armor we've worn throughout our lives, who are we beneath? Today I'd like to continue that conversation because I think another question naturally follows. Why did we put the armor on in the first place? Perhaps one of the answers is belonging. Belonging is one of our deepest human needs. We all want to feel accepted, included, safe, and connected. And if belonging feels uncertain, we'll often adapt ourselves to protect it. The challenge is, sometimes we become so successful at belonging through our adaptations that we slowly lose touch with the person beneath them. So today I'd like to explore what belonging asks of us. What it sometimes costs us. And what happens when we begin returning to ourselves before we get into it. Let's breathe. In out. Welcome to Exhale. It's important to understand that belonging, that search for belonging, that desire for belonging connection isn't superficial. This isn't about being in the cool group at school. Belonging is one of our oldest survival mechanisms. And historically, exclusion could mean danger or even death. So I want you to think about human beings and how we lived a really, really long time ago. So, you know, caveman times, village times. All sorts of times in the past where being part of a community, being part of a group was essential to survival. It wasn't safe to leave the village on your own. It wasn't safe to try and forage for food on your own. And there were all sorts of dangers, you know, weather, wild animals, all sorts of things that the safety of the village that we belonged to protected us from. So our nervous systems, as they have developed, learned very early to protect belonging and to rank that really highly in priorities. So it's important to understand that because this is in your DNA. This is in your base operating system. This is in your primary wiring. So looking at more modern times, perhaps, and thinking about children, perhaps your own childhood. Children don't wake up, or they're not born deciding to become the easy child. Easy going, go with the flow, or the funny one, or the high achiever, or the invisible one that, you know, sits in the back and tries not to make a fuss. Or the helper child, you know, the one that stays after to um help the teacher pack up the classroom after the bell's gone. Children don't make those decisions at birth. They discover as they grow, we discover as we grow, which version of themselves, which version of us maintains connection, which version facilitates belonging, and then that version gets reinforced. Adaptation is often the price we pay for belonging. Remember those versions we spoke about a little while ago? The version that is people pleasing, the version that is hyper-independent, refuses to be a burden to anybody else. The version that is excellent at suppressing emotions. The perfectionism version. Remember, these are not flaws. These are strategies, these are adaptations to facilitate belonging. Hope this is ringing bells for you. I hope this is giving you a little aha moment. I hope it's helping put together the pieces of the puzzle for you. And remember, we're just exploring. This is not a guideline for self-abuse or self-criticism. All right. This is exploring how we have become who we have become. But one of the challenges that may come with this is that that belonging may not actually belong to you. That sense of belonging in the workplace, the friendship group, the relationship. Are they connected to the version of you wearing the armor? Are they connected to the version of you that is adaptations and not necessarily the person underneath it? This can be a really confronting realization. There can be a period where you no longer fit where you used to fit. And a space where you haven't yet found where you naturally belong. And for anyone that's done any personal development work of this kind, you know this uncomfortable middle can be a really challenging place. It can feel really lonely. Because we learn to accept our adaptations as who we are as well as other people do. And in that space, that uncomfortable middle between not performing the version of you that you were anymore, but also not yet finding belonging with those that are drawn to your authentic self yet. For connection, for safety. The truth is, not everybody leaves. Some relationships deepen. Some people come with you on the exploration. Some people finally meet you at the same pace that you are meeting yourself. And yes, others quietly drift away. And how you perceive that is up to you. It may feel like a loss. Is it? And sometimes entirely new people enter your life because you're no longer relating from adaptation. You're relating from authenticity. Perhaps belonging isn't about finding people who accept your armor. Perhaps it's really about finding spaces where you don't need as much armor in the first place. But I do want to offer you some reflection to conclude today's conversation in the form of some questions. And you can pause these as you go and write them down and consider them, or you can just listen and see what comes up for you. Listen to me for the question. And listen to yourself for the answer. Where in my life have I traded authenticity for belonging? Which adaptations still serve me? Which ones am I ready to gently loosen? Where do I feel I can be most myself? What if belonging didn't require abandoning myself? Make some time to sit with those, reflect. If you'd like to contact me with your answers, you can contact me via my website or social media. There's also links at the bottom of all kinds of ways that you can get in touch, send feedback, and send your support. Feel free to buy me a coffee. Always appreciate the coffee. I trust that this has given you another layer of exploration to play around with, to adventure in, to explore.